so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
