chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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