Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
