life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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