I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I touched a dick in church today
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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