So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
