Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
