I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
