i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
