I just cut my nipple shaving
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
