please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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