Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
