your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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