My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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