Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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