imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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