the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
