chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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