Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
