life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
