the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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