mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize