my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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