Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
