He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize