She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
