i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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