$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
