just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
