Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
