I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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