What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
