Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
