I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
