so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
