On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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