he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
