How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
