talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
