So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
