i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Let's get the cat blown out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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