We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
