i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can I color on your dick again?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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