capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
