Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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