I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
