3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
