someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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