it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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