somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
