Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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