i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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