drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
