i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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