I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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