theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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