i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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