Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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