apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
