how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
