R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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